Dear David,

The following is a quick observation that you can use in your everyday life.

How often do we hear someone (including ourselves) say "He (or she) was nasty to me" or "That person is really rude!"?

So, let's suppose someone close to you says "You never listen to me!" That can be seen as a moment of separateness, friction, perhaps argument; or it can be seen as an opportunity to connect.

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How do you respond? If you take the other person's comment personally, you might feel upset and say "That's ridiculous; I ALWAYS listen to you!" That might be an overstatement, right?

On the other hand, can you listen with a soft ear and heart? If you do so, how might you respond? Think about it.

Here are a few suggestions; you could pick one of these, or your own words, based on the circumstances. Note that all of these are to be said without excess self-blame or drama, but with sincerity and openness:

• I am sorry you feel that way. Please tell me again what you said, and I will try hard to listen carefully.
• It must hurt to feel I am not listening. I was not aware of doing that, but I will try harder. Do you want to repeat what you were saying?
• I am sorry, you are right. I was distracted by thinking of a deadline I have at work. It is occupying my thoughts. I promise to listen better going forward.
• Really? I thought I was listening, but I am interested in why you feel I don't listen. Can you tell me what makes you feel I am not listening?

We sometimes avoid the more vulnerable approaches listed above, but can you picture the response you might receive to those responses, as compared with the straight-out denial initially mentioned? Note that the last suggestion above does not "admit" to doing anything "wrong", but still expresses openness to see how the situation can be improved.

What do you lose by expressing interest in the other person's experience rather than defending yourself? Think about it.

The above is just one example of how we can change our communication approach, based on a heartfelt desire for more closeness and intimacy in our relationships. There is a lot more to accomplishing that, but the above is perhaps one of the most common scenarios in close relationships, especially at a moment of challenging or confusing emotion.

I will be speaking more about this, and more, in the free, interactive webinars coming up: one webinar takes place today at 11am ET, one next week on Sunday at 2pm ET, and one webinar in two weeks. The last one is specifically about loving relationships, facilitated by Tildet Varon and myself. You can read more about all of these, here.

I hope the above communication suggestions provoke some useful reflection. Let me know if you have any questions, or disagreements, with these thoughts.